Show Stopping Banter
by yoo-hoo luver.wlegs
Summary: Shortly after leaving Lothering, Amell comes across peculiar stone with unusual powers. Whenever it buzzes, the person speaking is magically forced to sing a show stopping number based on the last line they said. What can make banter better? A song!
1. Oveture

**Disclaimer: Don't own Dragon Age or the Show Stopping Number game. For those who don't know, Show Stopping Number was a game or Whose Line is it Anyway where the actors would have to break into a song and dance when they heard a buzzer. The catch? They had to sing the song based off of the last line they said. It's hilarious to watch and I hope just as funny to read. Go look it up on Youtube (the U.S. Senate one or the hole factory in particular) if you want to smile.**

* * *

Bodhan was waiting for the Warden mage and her party to return to camp at the entrance and not at his cart. The three other party members were far too tired from the day's excursion to care and so as Amell stood back to speak to the merchant, Alistair, Leliana and Terwilliger the mabari left for the comfort of the fire.

"This is a surprise, Bodhan." Danae commented with an amused grin, "Did you miss me that much?"

If the dwarf got her flirty joke, he did not appreciate it enough to acknowledge it but rather set a palm sized black stone into Danae's hand. Strange etchings covered the surface in a circle. "What is this, Bodhan," Danae wondered as she ran a finger over the carved surface, "some kind of rune?"

"I would tell you if I could. Found it the other day on the road but m'boy can't make heads or tails of it." Bodhan replied with a shrug, "I figured that with you being a mage, you could tell me if it was of any value."

Danae nodded and motioned towards the camp. As they made their way to the fire, she took another look at the stone. Never one to enjoy long silences, Danae spoke absentmindedly, "Have you heard any rumors lately?"

Bodhan spoke what he heard on the road, as requested but Danae was only half paying attention as she took a closer look at the item. The stone felt cool to the touch and seemed highly polished. While she could not make out the marking on the front the words 'made by Bobbit' was carved clearly on the back.

They had reached the fire side just as Bodhan finished with his news. "That's what I heard on the road, anyhow. Take it for what it is." He concluded.

Without warning a short buzzing noise sounded throughout the camp at the merchant's words. An upbeat piano tune filled the air and the Warden jumped back in surprise as Bodhan began to bounce in his place. He began to half-sing as he paced and waved his hands on either side of him at chest level.

"_That's what I heard on the road anyhow_

_This is when you should say 'Wow!_

_Gee-golly…gosh and hey!_

_I'll spend some coin on supplies today!'_ "

The dwarf then fell silent, with a puzzled look on his face. Danae regarded him warily, though she noticed her five companions were totally oblivious to what had just occurred. Morrigan was off at her own fire; Sten was growling at the dog; Leliana was admiring the patterns of her bruises and Alistair was attempting to make dinner. They showed no signs of even noticing that the dwarf unexpectedly broke into song.

"Er…" Danae began, at a loss of what to say. "Was that…necessary?"

The merchant looked just as startled and confused. "I don't know what came over me. I just felt the urge to sing the last sentence I said."

In her hand, the stone seemed to be radiating warmth and glowed in the firelight. It was an odd thing to consider, but Danae swore that the stone was pleased at what had just transpired.

"Was it me," Bodhan began, "Or was that buzzing and music coming from that stone?"

The two regarded the stone with suspicion before the mage replied, "No. I heard it too. Maker! What the sod is this thing?"

The buzz sounded again and the music began with a _dum-da dum-dum-dum. _Danae found herself marching back and forth, as though her feet had minds of their own. No matter how she willed her feet to stop, they kept moving. Bodhan was moving as well, his feet making him march backwards as his hands flew out at chest height again.

This time, the music and scene caught the attention of those close to the fire. Danae felt her cheeks blush as she was unable to stop from belting out in an alto voice,

"_Maker! What the sod is this thing?_

_It kinda makes me…want to sing._

_I don't know why, or how to stop it_

_The writing on the back says 'made by Bobbit'" _

As the music died away, Danae found herself suddenly in control of her feet. The stone in her palm seemed to radiate glee. She turned it over to show the name to the dwarf. "You see?" She implored as Alistair and Leliana approached them.

"What was _that_ all about?" Alistair wondered with a wolfish grin and a mocking dance to go with it.

"If you were interested in being a bard, you should have said something." Leliana teased an impish glint in her eye.

Danae gave the two a scrunched face that said she was not amused. Her mage's curiosity won over her embarrassment though, and she showed the two the stone. "I can't be sure, but I think there is an enchantment on this that makes a person sing when the rock makes this buzzing sound….at least that is what happened with Bodhan and myself. There are markings on one side but I can't make them out."

"Oh, how fun!" Leliana exclaimed, taking the stone and turning it over.

"Well," the merchant cut in eagerly, "is it valuable?"

Danae was about to reply when Morrigan angrily stalked up to the group with half a rabbit in her hands. Terwilliger trotted happily to his mistress and gave a happy bark at Morrigan.

"Ugh." Morrigan began, shaking the dead hare in front of her, "Look what your fool dog left in my pack."

Terwilliger barked happily in response as if asking the Witch of the Wilds if she liked his gift. Morrigan fixed her eyes on the hound and replied, " A putrid half-eaten hare is not something a woman wants to find in her unmentionables."

At that very moment the stone let out a third buzz and the piano music sounded once more. Morrigan began to dance as Danae and Bodhan joined her, looking as if they would do anything to stop whatever the stone was doing to them.

"_I just found a half-eaten hare, _" Morrigan sang, motioning to the carcass and then to her lower half.

"_In the clothing I wear down there_

_I don't want it so take it back _

_Beast, do this again and I'll have your ass!"_

As the song ended Morrigan continued her conversation with Danae as if nothing just happened. Meanwhile, Alistair decided to answer Bodhan's question for him.

"Oh, yes." Alistair appraised, taking the stone from Leliana. "It's _priceless._"

* * *

A/N: Well, here it is. A testament that I should never play Dragon Age then watch Whose Line reruns. I plan to have Leliana, Alistair and Sten succumb to the stone's silliness next. If there is a character you would like to see break into song, or a line you would like to have turned into a show stopping number, tell me. I am totally open to requests.


	2. Alistair PLUS stone EQUALS LOL

**A/N: A little change in plan. While thinking up of lines to turn into show stopping numbers, I realized that Alistair deserved a whole chapter due to his wonderful dialogue. F!AmellXAlistair ahead. Enjoy!**

While the others had adapted to life with what they all called "That Blasting Stone" (TBS for short), Alistair seemed to have failed when it came to avoiding the buzzer. It seemed every other day, the buzzer would go off. Leliana was highly upset over this for she made it a point to say things she hoped would trigger the Stone. It did not produce results for the bard, but it was highly entertaining for the others to observe.

The first time the Stone was triggered for Alistair was when they were right outside Redcliffe. He had been quiet the entire day, realizing that he would have to tell Danae of his lineage. She did not press the matter of who his father was when he spoke of Arl Eamon raising him and Alistair would have been fine having the mage know nothing to the contrary. Yet, he was beginning to value her presence more than he could even express and he knew that she would find out sooner or later by those who knew him in Redcliffe. It was better that she heard if from him.

Alistair had to keep thinking that as he spoke to her and as Danae's lips were drawn tighter and tighter in anger. There were precious few times when he feared an intentional bolt of lightning being cast at him and this was one of those times. He could practically feel the electricity from her glaring eyes as she crossed her arms. Maker's breath, it wasn't going well in the slightest. In fact it couldn't get any worse.

" At any rate, that's it. That's what I had to tell you. I thought you should know about it." He finished.

Danae cocked an eyebrow and regarded him coolly."Are you sure?" She wondered with ice in her tone, "You're not hiding anything else?"

Alistair smirked hoping to melt her anger, "Other than my unholy love of fine cheeses and-"

He as cut off by the stone in Leliana's hand buzzing. The bard frowned, hoping that if she had it, it would go off for her instead. The upbeat dum-da-dum dum dum sounded and the Senior Warden began to dance back and forth, gesturing as he sang,

"Cheese is my life!

I wish I could make it my wife,

I'd take it to bed,

We'd sleep until we're dead,

Oh boy! I love cheee-eee-se!"

Morrigan grumbled about not wanting to know about Alistair's fetishes. Terwilliger barked his approval while mistress doubled over in laughter, her anger all but forgotten. In an instant, her hand found his wrist, using him as a support lest she fell over on the ground.

He put a supportive hand on the little mage's forearm and hoisted her up whilst she laughed. She pressed her body into his as she leaned against the almost templar. Her head rested on his shoulder, warm breath tickling the skin on his neck almost undid him. Alistair then decided that the "TBS" was a good thing indeed.

* * *

That opinion began to change quite swiftly, however where one night, Danae approached Alistair by the fire with the question, 'have you never…?' He teased her, feigning not knowing of which she spoke of until the little mage was blushing from ear to ear.

"You know what I mean." She said softly, brushing a stubborn lock of hair from her scarlet face.

It was rare to see the mage who waded into battle next to him bashful and he decided to make the most of the situation. "I'm not sure that I do." He returned with a wry grin. "Have I never seen a basilisk? Ate jellied ham? Have I never licked a lamp post in winter?"

His fellow warden blushed a deeper hue and once again bushed at the small lock of hair. She looked into her lap, then spoke so quietly and quickly that it sounded like one single word over the crack of the fire. "Nowyou'remakingfunofme."

"Make fun of you, dear lady? Perish the thought!" Alistair laughed, wondering how one could blush any deeper than Danae's maroon countenance. It both amused and thrilled him knowing that such a supremely confident mage could blush because of him.

A brief moment was filled with the only sound coming from the fire until Alistair gave his fellow warden a wolfish look. "Well, tell me, have _you_ ever licked a lamppost in winter?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the familiar buzz sounded along with Leliana's curse of 'blast and damnation'.

When the music began to play, Alistair jumped up with a forced nod and turned to dance in front of the mage. He began to dance in the spot, pumping his arms as if back and forth.

"Have _you_ never licked

a lamppost in winter?" He pointed at Danae then threw his arms wide.

"Or have you licked

From here to Tervinter?

Oh, don't leave me

In such suspense

If I were a cat,

I'd be on a fence!"

The music ended with a piano riff down the scale as Alistair struck a manly pose, extending his hand out as if awaiting her reply. He resisted the urge to assure her that if he were indeed a cat, the first thing he would do would be to locate a fence. That was beside the matter.

Danae regarded him with a look of both shock and awe for a moment and silently Alistair cursed the "TBS" for its timing. He surely made himself look the fool for he noticed the entire camp gazing at him.

At last a smile settled on his fellow warden's face as she announced, "Why yes, I have licked a lamppost in winter."

Intrigued, Alistair resumed his position next to her silently praising the stone.

* * *

Sure the stone did wonderful things for him at times. Although his ode to firewood and his song about Sten's sword had Morrigan poking jibes at him for days. However, as the buzzer rang through the depths of Orzammar, Alistair had to resist the urge to clench his hands lest he crush the rose he held out for Amell.

He had said moments before the stone let out that cursed buzz, "I will overpower you with my rosy scent!" Oh, Andraste's Blood! Of all the things he said, the Stone _had_ to choose such time. Why wasn't he Leliana, again?

For a moment, he closed his eyes and took a breath as he nodded. He then began to grapevine back and forth, periodically extending his arms at various angles.

"Hey darkspawn, you best beware!" Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Zevran dancing in the background, pacing behind him, wagging his finger and making lewd gestures as he jazz walked. It was unclear to Alistair whether or not the elf was acting on his own will or the magic's.  
"I am coming into your lair,

Can you smell me?  
Oh yes it is true

The smell of roses," Alistair paused with the music and he clumsily did a star jump then finished in a threatening tone, "Will wreck you!"

A smile played at the mage's lips as she gently took the rose out of Maric's son's laxed hand. She inhaled deep then looked up at him, half her face obscured by the rose before commenting, "You've been carrying this around for a long time."

Alistair responded, silently making peace with the TBS. It was certainly a love-hate relationship but like the Blight, he loved how it brought people together.

**A/N: Yay Chapter 2! For fans of whose line, I simply had to use Colin's song in the first section. It was just too perfect not to. Thanks to fifespice, Sharem, roxfox1962 and The Ultimate Person for their reviews. Thanks for those who favorited and those who alerted. I am goint to do Loghain and Anora further down the line. Who should be next? Should I give Leliana a break? Would you like to see a chapter about the party setting new members up for the stone? Should Sten get a chapter? Should I go with the timeline and put a little song in Redcliffe's life? YOU tell ME!**


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